Is this a joke? No! This a real literary magazine for you to submit your literary Taco Bell writing. Like The Paris Review. Granta. Ploughshares. Taco Bell Quarterly.
It still sounds like you're joking, but okay. What are the guidelines? Taco Bell Quarterly is currently looking for literary/creative essays, short stories, fiction/prose, poems, multimedia, your stupid status updates, whatever, that explore any and all elements of Taco Bell. An elegy for the discontinued menu items? Fine. An experimental essay about marine biology and the XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito? Awesome. Review the new Beefy Fritos Burrito and how it reminds you of the time your grandma died? We want it. Something that introduces us to inventive form, dynamic language, and strong voice. Or not. We're not judgey and pretentious. We're Taco Bell Quarterly.
Are you affiliated, sponsored by, connected to, or BFF with Taco Bell? No. We can't even get extra sauce packets when we roll through the drive-thru, the employees act like that shit is unicorn blood.
Is this going to be quarterly? We don't like rules and deadlines, but maybe!
What's the word count guideline? Write what it takes to tell your story. But seriously, people's attention spans are like 500-1500 words. If you send us a Taco Bell novella, we might say no in a very gentle manner. Submissions may be lightly edited for clarity and typos.
When are you open for submissions? Submissions for Volume 2 officially open October 1, 2019. But we don't freak out if you send something earlier.
Where do I submit? firstname.lastname@example.org, slide into my DMs, hustle yo shit to get it in front of us. But really, email.
Where/when will this be published? At the moment, TBQ is published via PDF on Scribd.
Are you a paying market? Together, we are going to create an artistic community of literary Taco Bell writers, and Taco Bell Quarterly will be our charitable gift to the world. Let's make something fucking weird. Taco Bell Quarterly makes zero profits in this venture. The answer is, I'm a writer myself just trying to dream ridiculously. But I have ideas. We need a heiress, an endowment, or an independently wealthy weirdo to fund us. If you would like to support the Taco Bell arts, please contact us. TBQ will use 100% of funds to pay Taco Bell writers and artists.
What if I'm not good enough to be in Taco Bell Quarterly? Almost everyone is good enough to be in TBQ. Taco Bell Quarterly is not going to reject submissions because they're not artistic or elevated enough. We have a vision of unleashing unruly, Tolkien-esque tomes. Or like a Puff Daddy and the Family three disc set. Let's drop mad volumes, intense, scary, 750-page chalupa bombs of beautiful-ass energy and love about Taco Bell. Generations of readers will read it in book clubs or on the toilet.
But yo, hear us out, Taco Bell Quarterly WILL reject anything that's racist, mysoginist, homophobic, alt-right, mean, fails to grasp basic sentence structure, copyrighted, or contains the word Lovecraftian in an unironic way.
How many people are really going to submit to TBQ? Am I going to be the only one? This Shit Is Your Dream Journal.
What else do I need to know? Taco Bell Quarterly will be granted one time rights to publish your piece electronically. We are going to promote the hell out of you and tell the world how awesome you are for creating art. We're going to hustle this thing and try to get press, and we've already tried to start a beef with Ploughshares, but they haven't responded.
Can I win the Pushcart? We will be nominating the best of the best for Pushcarts, sending in our nominees with packets of Fire sauce. Symbolic because our writers are fire. Dare to dream of the day you might be a Taco Bell Quarterly-nominated writer/artist for the Pushcart Prize. They don't know what's about to hit them over there at the fancy Pushcart desks.
Who are you? I'm a writer with big ideas. I'm M.M. Carrigan, Editor Supreme of Taco Bell Quarterly and writer behind a famous blog on the Internet, The Surfing Pizza. I want to inspire people to break rules, scare the world, and collectively process our Taco Bell feelings. What if the longing, the hunger, the white hot center of all our pain -- was Taco Bell? I'm on Twitter @thesurfingpizza.
Why have you been typing "we" if it's only you? I wanted to feel less alone in the world.